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You can hear my thoughts?
Yes. As you can hear mine. I can hear your thoughts, feel your feelings -
"No," Kirk said quickly. "Stop. Stop it."
Jim -
“Get out of my head!” Kirk jumped to his feet so fast his chair fell over.
Spock stood too. "Jim - "
"My thoughts and feelings are private," Kirk hissed, cheeks hot with furious embarrassment. "You don't get to read me like a fucking book."
"You have no cause to be ashamed of your feelings. The blame lies entirely with - "
“I said stop reading me!” Kirk pointed at Spock accusingly. "I don't want you in my head, Spock."
Spock went still as a statute. A rush of mind-numbing fear, Spock's fear, went through Kirk. "You wish me to break the bond?"
Guilt, terror, penitence, heartbreak - Spock's emotions at the thought of breaking the bond swirled through Kirk, making his own chest ache. "I - "
In Kirk's head, the sense of Spock all but cringed, so small and scared, so resigned and guilty and broken-hearted - and Kirk just couldn't do it. He couldn't made Spock hurt like this. He let out a frustrated groan. "No," he bit out. "You don't have to break it. Just stay out of my head."
Spock closed his eyes, and his profound relief swept through Kirk. "Shaya tonat, Jim, I thank thee," he whispered. He straightened and opened his eyes. "And I will respect your boundaries."
Spock's thankfulness that Kirk had let him keep the bond was so heartfelt. He was gazing at Kirk with grateful adoration, like Kirk was the moon who'd lit his darkest night. Kirk's throat tightened at that look. He quickly shoved down all the soft emotions threatening to swamp him. He couldn't afford to be soft, because it wasn't always going to be like this. Even though Kirk was going to let him keep the bond, Spock wouldn't always look at him so sweetly or even want him around.
After all, it's not like he'll want to be bonded to me forever, Kirk thought tiredly, rubbing his face. Obviously he'll get sick of me soon.
Spock blinked. "How could I ever tire of you?" he asked, sounding sincerely confused. "That would be tantamount to tiring of the air I breathe."
Kirk's eyes widened. He took a step back from the table. "I thought I said stay out of my head!"
"I intend to, but I must first build the necessary walls for your mind." Spock looked at him imploringly. "I know I have not given you cause to have faith in me, but I assure you I will not - "
Kirk snorted bitterly. "It's better for both of us if you don't make promises you're not going to keep, Spock."
"But you are my bondmate, I will never - "
"Stop," Kirk snapped, moving away another step. "You're only making it worse."
A wave of Spock's distress reached Kirk. Spock clearly didn't like Kirk's increasing distance. "I do not understand."
“Look, when you turned me down before, I - it - " Kirk stopped before he could say it broke me, it nearly killed me. "It was difficult for me," he finally said. "So if you lie to me now, and get me to trust you – " He broke off again, before you will destroy me when you leave me left his lips. "It will again be difficult for me when you end the relationship.”
“But I will never –”
“Just stop,” Kirk ordered. “For fuck's sake, you still have a girlfriend!”
“Lieutenant Uhura –” Spock began, reaching for Kirk.
"Don't." Kirk flinched away before they could touch. “I won't make you destroy the bond, I'm not that heartless. But don't ask for anything else.” You're not the only one who builds walls, Spock. The thought filled Kirk's mind before he could stop it. Your walls are in your brain. Humans build their walls around their hearts. And mine are NOT coming down.
Spock lowered his hand in resignation. “As you wish," he said softly, bowing his head.
Kirk knew the subject was far from closed, but Spock seemed reluctant to push him further and Kirk knew when to take an offered retreat. “Good,” he said defensively. “Good. And now, I’m going to bed.”
As he turned to leave, a now-familiar feeling spiked in his mind. “ALONE, Spock, you jealous Vulcan bastard,” he snapped, without looking back.
He left the restaurant and headed for the lift to their room, choosing the path of ignoring his feelings over analyzing them. Entering the empty room he shared with Spock and Bones, he stripped off his clothes and crawled into his top bunk.
And when his head hit the pillow, he almost instantly fell asleep, and slept the best sleep he’d had in three months for the next fourteen hours straight.
9. Craved
When Kirk awoke the next day, it was nearly lunchtime. He sprawled on his back across the mattress, stretching idly and staring up at the close ceiling view from the top bunk. He'd had wonderful dreams for a change, and he felt rested and relaxed. In fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he felt this good.
Oh wait. Yes he did. Back at the Academy, before he supposedly landed himself a Vulcan bondmate.
He groaned softly to himself. He rolled onto his side, and glanced down at Spock’s bed. Empty and already made. He wondered if Spock had slept in it at all. Snoring filtered up from the bottom bunk, and he swung his head over the side to look at the bunk below him. Bones was out cold; shirtless and stubbly, with one hand flung carelessly above his head and the sheet bunched around his waist.
Good. Kirk needed some medical advice.
He jumped down from the top bunk and landed lightly on his feet. The boxer briefs he was wearing were not exactly regulation underwear, but Gaila had told him they were sexy, and he trusted her opinion on that front explicitly. Perhaps a little underdressed to wake up your best friend, but he’d roomed with Bones at the Academy. They’d seen each other in even less.
He flopped onto his stomach on the bed next to his friend and prodded him.
“Nrgh.”
“Bones, wake up.”
Bones’s eyes shot open. “Jim? You alright?”
As always, Kirk was touched by his concern. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just wanted to see how your night went.”
“A Southern Gentleman don’t kiss and tell,” Bones muttered, covering his eyes with his arm.
"Your accent gets so thick when you're sleepy," Kirk teased.
Bones gave him the finger without uncovering his eyes. “You gonna be a brat or you gonna tell me what you need?”
“Do you know anything about Vulcan bonds?”
Bones took his arm off his eyes and gave Kirk a stare that was much too penetrating for someone who’d been awake less than three minutes. “What did Spock do?” he asked suspiciously.
“He - I think the phrase he used was claimed me. Sounds pretty kinky, especially for a Vulcan.”
There was a string of curse words foul enough to make a sailor blush. “Tell me.”
